I celebrated Halloween this year by going to a costume thing last Saturday where a few of my buddies and I dressed up as Star Trek characters. Of course, I was Sulu. Clearly I was reaching for low-hanging fruit this year.
Anyway, aside from wearing the most ill-fitting Star Trek shirt from some janky online costume store, my only real concern was to get my hair like Sulu’s because the rest was a piece of rice cake, right?
For an Asian dude, I have some crazy wavy/curly locks. Let me tell you how hard my hair fought being straightened out. I literally had my bangs GLUED and PLASTERED across my forehead with olive cream and within minutes, that bitch was starting to *nap* *nap* *nap*. And as my hair continued to curl and resist being straight, the drinks continued to find their way into my mouf.
Below you can see how my hair and sobriety devolved as the night went on…
8:05 PM - 1 beer. Giving myself a bang with very little product; it is not working. Somehow it looks like I have a tired/black eye.
8:45PM - 2 beers. I put on the worst Star Trek shirt ever made. It fits so poorly that my friends said I looked sad and lumpy; my face shows it. I put handfuls of hair cream on to straighten out my Sulu bang.
10:00 PM - 3 beers and 1 punch drank. There is one piece of hair that is hanging on to being straight SO HARD but it loses the battle. We are pretty solid as a crew though, despite Geordi being of Next Gen fame.
11:30 PM - Lost count of drinks but there were shots involved. My locks are not only curled into Pythagorean spirals, but they are so full of product they are rock hard and painful. At this point I don’t even know when pictures are being snapped as I seem to have trouble smiling on time.
IDK O’ CLOCK AM - IDK BECAUSE THE WORLD IS A MESS. LOOK AT THIS PHOTO. I can’t even with this hand-on-thigh end eyes-closed-laugh photo. I can’t.
So that was my Halloween this year.
Jessie Ware - Night Light (Wild Beasts Remix)
I’m going to see this pretty lady tonight. Super excited but also feel like I’m copping out on Halloween. Oh well.
Anyway here’s a perfect remix for the occasion.
FEET UP FRIDAY EVERYBODY
LOOK AT MY FEET
So I was coming home from tennis tonight and I saw this ATM receipt on the stair case. I thought it might be mine because I bank with Wells Fargo and went to the ATM not long ago. DEAD WRONG.
Who got coin like dat in my building?! Who got coin like that period?! $81 Gs just chilling in a checking account. Pshhh.
I think I know who this is, and now I just might have to go sleep with him.
This dreary weather is just asking for you to do some serious damage to that bottle of wine waiting at home. But if you’re worried about the aftermath, researchers have a new suggestion: Drink some Sprite. Chinese researchers conducted…
VERY IMPORTANT NEWS YOU DRUNKS.
Also, it says that taurine might be the magic ingredient and I’m pretty sure Sprite doesn’t contain taurine. Amiright?
And, avoid green tea when hungover.
So I get this email from my gym a few weeks ago:
We would like to invite you to take part in the shortest ever customersurvey - it’s just one multiple choice question with an additional box for your explanation. It will only take a few seconds of your time, and will really help us improve our service to you.
We would really appreciate your input, please click the link below to take part. If the link below does not work just cut and paste it into your web browser address bar.
Thank you for your time and we look forward to receiving your comments.
Super Ghey Gym
Now, I’m not the biggest fan of my pretentious, gheyed-out, rooftop pool and bar-having gym. They’re so blatantly money-hongray and it becomes very obvious once you’re a paying member. I was sort of busy with work when I got this survey request, but I decided to be a curt bitch anyway. Hey, why not? Who’s gonna find out?
Bitchy, right? Obviously I did not give a shit. Obviously I did not think that my gym actually was linking this survey to me. So I was quite surprised when I got the following email a few days later:
Good Afternoon Choronda,
I wanted to reach out to you after reading your response to a survey we recently sent out. You raise several valid points and I’d be happy to discuss these with you in person if you’d like, I appreciate you taking the time to provide your opinion on these matters.
Let me know the next couple times you’ll be at the club and we can chat for a few minutes.
Thanks again and I look forward to hearing from you.
First of all, LOLOLOL. Second of all, isn’t it generally assumed that most surveys are anonymous these days? Like, I get that the initial email didn’t explicitly say, “THIS IS NOT ANONYMOUS” but don’t you think it should have mentioned something? Feels like a breach of privacy to me. Third of all, what the fuck is up with this last email? Is it bait? Do I respond? I have this bad feeling that if I meet with them, they’ll start a #gaymafia smear campaign against me. Which… they betta don’t.